Sample chapter for a proposed hands-on children's book, to include card-stock models of assorted monsters. 

The Very Serious Student’s Field Guide to Monstrosities

Notes and Conclusions to Lessons Hard-Learned.
- Includes 50 pieces to assemble 5 Monsters! -

I suppose I should begin with introductions and explanations: Amicus Grisby is my name, and what you hold in your hands represents several years of hard work, gained at the expense of some rather unfortunate mishaps (not to mention, I daresay, a fair share of my own bits and blood).

I am Professor of Monstrosities at Wentworth College, and I spend each summer with one of my students, tracking, studying, and cataloging monsters. By 'monsters' I mean things not quite human, and not quite animal either, though some look more like one or the other. Every little corner of the world has its own variety; the trick is to actually find them, then get them to hold still for more than a moment. Tricky things, monsters -- most don't like to hold still at all, few can hold even the simplest, polite conversation (or have even the slightest of manners), and if you don't take the proper precautions, some can be downright unpleasant.

This modest notebook is an ongoing record of my findings, complete with models of the beasties. Study them carefully, so that you may recognize any signs of monsters where you live. They are often much, much closer to you than you suppose.

And, I can assure you these models are accurate in every detail but one: you are unlikely to lose a finger or an ear to a mere model monster!

Yours faithfully,

Amicus Grisby

GOLEM (Humanus sciphus)

Prague, Czechoslovakia. A golem is, strictly speaking, a man-made monster, though its creator rarely intends to create a monster. Rather, the creator had hoped to build a 'helper.' But how a golem sets about 'helping' is very often not what was intended, or a golem may continue to help long after it is helpful to do so. And so you can see the problem. Golems are an excellent example of the saying: "be careful what you wish for." Three summers ago, Lucius Mortimer, a graduate student of mine at the time, and I traveled to Czechoslovakia. One of the more famous historical golems was thought to be resting in an attic in the capital city, Prague. Perhaps there is another saying about "leaving sleeping golems lie," or perhaps not. But perhaps there should be.

Home-made.

A golem is a human form, molded by one of great knowledge, then given life -- usually by carving a power word on its forehead, or writing said word on a scrap of paper placed in the golem's mouth. As far back as the Pharoahs, at least, golems have been made of clay (humanus sciphus). Variations have been attempted with varying degrees of success, most famously the flesh golem (humanus pulpa) attempted by Dr. Victor Frankenstein.

Once 'alive' (it might be more accurate to say once 'turned on'), the golem will very obediently follow whatever instructions are given to it. 'Protect this village,' or 'bring water from the river,' or 'lift these heavy stones,' might be common directions. ('Cure cancer' would not be an example of useful direction, as we shall see). But though it may not surprise you or me, it always seems to surprise a golem's creator, (and those poor souls the golem was meant to serve), that things never seem to work out so simply. Golems can't talk, and aren't very bright. (Well, they're about as bright as you should expect of mud.) Therein lies the enormous potential for things to go awry, which almost always happens with golems, and which is why they are a cause of so much mischief.

Where's the OFF button?

One of the more unique aspects of a golem is that you can, in theory, turn it on and off at will. Remove a letter from the activating power word (thus spelling a different, de-activating word), or remove the word from the mouth of the golem, and you have shut it down. The design is simplicity itself. Yet there is a flaw. Dense as they are, golems aren't completely idiotic: they know well enough when someone is trying to erase something on their foreheads, or asking them to open their mouths. Wouldn't you? And so turning a golem off becomes a bit of a trick, and things tend to go downhill from there. Unless you thought to create a very small golem -- and what would be the use of that? -- you are left with an enormous, incredibly powerful creature with the all the good, common sense of, well, dirt really. So my caution to you, should you encounter a golem, is to speak slowly and clearly, give it direct instruction that doesn't involve you being anywhere near it, and ideally causes no harm to surrounding population or property.

The Golem of Prague

Mr. Mortimer and I were indeed successful in locating the attic in which the Golem of Prague -- a rare, and historically significant 16th century specimen -- was at rest. The sketches and model you see here are from my observations just after its discovery under a canvas sheet, and amid boxes of holiday decorations. I should be clear that these notations were all taken pre-activation; events took an unfortunate turn afterwards, precluding further study. A rather crucial piece of information is missing from the literature on golems, which I emphatically fill in here: a golem re-activated, if not immediately given instruction, picks up with the last task it was given before de-activation. I can only surmise that its last instruction had been domestic, probably to mop or sweep the floor. Which is what it immediately, and vigorously proceeded to do, only with the nearest tool at hand, that being poor Mr. Mortimer. Most mortifying, and a lesson hard-learned. 

Statistics

(note: these data apply only to the Golem of Prague. Since golems are manufactured, and very much custom-made, wide variation should be expected.)

Height: 7' 1"

Weight: 2,563 lbs

Means of defense: Blunt force, great strength, impervious body

Diet: Not applicable 

Habitat: Most commonly found in Middle East and Central or Eastern Europe. Golems of other materials (bones, animal parts, etc.) have been encountered as far afield as Siberia and the Americas.

Natural enemies/predators: None

Recommended means of approach/study: Start with a de-activated specimen when at all possible. If you wish to attempt to de-activate, remove appropriate character from forehead. (Note: do so only under close consultation with a regional adept, fluent in the language in question. Another lesson, hard-learned: you want the new word to have the intended effect!). Or, remove entire scrap of paper from golem's mouth.